This is a very personal post, which is not my usual style, so if it’s not for you then don’t read ahead – I won’t be offended!
You see this picture?
Again, not something I’m totally comfortable posting as I try to conceal my identity.
But do you think I look happy in that photo?
I seem it on the surface – yes! Yet in reality the day that photo was taken was a very dark and difficult day for me.
It was a day where I had to admit defeat, which for me is a big deal as I pride myself on being strong, and being able to deal with any problems I have solo.
Yet unfortunately on this day I had to seek extra support, to help me deal with my issues and generally learn how to cope from day to day.
Telling a counsellor how you truly and deeply feel, no matter how dark it sounds was truly the hardest thing for me to do.
It goes against everything I believe and stand for. I’m the one who helps others with their problems. I don’t seek help from others and talk about my problems, as I hate feeling like I’m a burden.
Admitting I couldn’t do it alone made me feel like I was a huge failure.
Plain and simply just another thing I wasn’t capable of doing.
It made me feel worthless.
I remember meeting my counsellor and she told me she could feel the pain in my words, and I admitted that I was ashamed and embarrassed to be sat in front of her.
What a silly thought that was!
There’s NOTHING to be ashamed or embarrassed about when seeking extra help. Believe me it’s the best thing you can do!
I cried constantly that day both during and following the session. I felt emotionally drained after all of it.
Explaining why you feel like you do, and speaking of how life is too much and you don’t know how much you can take anymore was extremely difficult. Most people shy away from the word suicide, and speaking of why you didn’t feel worthy of a life, or why you can’t bear the feeling of being alive anymore is just indescribable.
Unfortunately connotations with feeling this way are quite negative or you’re perceived as being ‘dramatic’. This is a reason why people steer away from speaking truth when they’re struggling, and it’s not right!
We need to make sure people feel comfortable in voicing their feelings – no matter how dark they may be!
A year to date this picture was taken. I took it as who doesn’t like a filter, and I felt I should mimic the image! By this I mean appearing on the surface that I’m okay and happy, and not let anyone see the darkness that was inside me.
I know I’m not the only one to do this. There are many others that feel the exact same way and it’s important we recognise this.
Please remember to check on those that on the surface may appear happy, as it’s not always the case!
Your kind words will mean the world to them and it could even save their life!