The big 3 – ohhhh!

As my 30th is arriving much faster than I would have liked (literally tomorrow), I am starting to realise just why people say your thirties are the best years of your life.

Turning point of turning 30

As a people pleaser and an overall general worrier of literally everything in life, I have always been conscious of what people think of me. I’m quite an insecure person and think quite negatively of myself, so naturally I assume others will think the same.

I always want to do my best for others and in doing so I want to feel like I fit in.

Truth be told I’ve never fully felt like I fit in with people as I feel as if they just don’t get me. I remember being told by my dad when I was younger that I see the world in a different way to others. I respond differently to what’s around me and that’s perfectly fine because it’s who I am, I just needed to bear in mind that some people won’t ‘get me’, but I should never stop being me.

And I totally understand what he meant by that.

I worry way too much what others think.

I apologise profusely sometimes as I’m conscious if I’ve upset someone, or I’ve done something wrong. (Guilt creeps in!)

I struggle saying no to people.

I put others’ feelings before my own, even if it means upsetting myself for the sake of keeping others happy.

I spot the smallest things in life that others are unaware of. (Yes, I pay real attention to detail…)

I can tune into others’ emotions even when I don’t know them very well.

I spot dangers and negative things before positives.

These are the things that make up who I am and they’re also the traits that have made me feel like an outsider, someone people don’t care about or notice. And someone that’s not good enough for this world.

But that’s NOT true.

In our younger years (teens and early twenties) we may become obsessive over what people think of us, both in appearance and personality wise. We chip away at ourselves, constantly looking for ways to improve and be good enough in society. Finding ways to just fit in, even if that means moving away from our true character.

Yet, now as I’m reaching a new decade I’m having that ohhhhh moment – cue lightbulb above head!

Now I’m 30 I don’t care what people think of me. (Or at least I’m learning to care a lot less).

I have people in my life who love me for me. I’m not striving for perfection I’m striving for contentment. Feeling comfortable being me, surrounding myself with people who match my energy and don’t make me feel worthless.

But more importantly I’m finding the strength to prioritise me. Saying no to the things I don’t want to do as they don’t make me feel good; the things we do out of obligation rather than wanting to.

I’ve stripped back my kindness levels, keeping some people at arm’s length, particularly those that are in this constant whirlwind of making me feel worthless, and totally irrelevant to their lives.

It’s my defence mechanism and it’s a means to keep myself out of harm’s way.

I also understand that those closest to you aren’t always there. People enter your life for various reasons and some don’t stay the whole time.

Just like a book, characters are introduced at pinnacle times within the story but several chapters later they’ve never heard of again. They were just appropriate for a given time and once the energies and paths are no longer aligned it’s no longer meant to be.

It’s all part of life and a reminder that everything happens for a reason and the universe DOES have our back.

And finally I’m learning to let go and to just be me. Let go of the hurt, fear and the worries.

I’m sticking two fingers up to the world and being unapologetically me.