I was shocked to realise, after seeing one of my emails the other day that it has been 5 years since I reached out for help, and had my first ever therapy session.
A time where I desperately pleaded for help, as I was scared of giving into my most darkest thoughts.
Reaching out for help…
Everything told me I just needed to leave this earth without a trace. I was tired of being me; my existence wouldn’t be missed and I simply couldn’t cope anymore.
Whilst these emotions and intrusive thoughts were intense, I also had a tiny gut feeling that this probably wasn’t the way.
Plus, those closest to me suggested I get help and actually speak to someone. As I was very closed off and obviously they could see how incredibly unhappy and troubled I was.
Skip 5 years later and I’ve come a LONG way!
My past self would not recognise me now, and the habits I have adopted to be the best version of myself and not give into viscious thoughts are ones I still practice to this very day! They keep me from spiralling into the dark place I almost disappeared into.
As I reflect on reaching out for extra help, I wanted to share some things I learnt about therapy during my journey.
Now this post is not to bash therapy at all, as I would recommend it if you think it’s something you need, or wish to pursue. But I wish to share some things I wish I was told about therapy that would have been helpful.
(Side note: I had therapy via telephone conversations with a therapist and was then referred for face to face therapy as I needed something more intense – so my learnings cover both experiences!)
6 things I wish I knew before starting therapy
1. You have to be willing
Firstly, you have to be willing and open to the idea of therapy. If you aren’t then it’s not going to work.
You have to be willing to give it a shot, actually talk to your therapist and listen to what they say. Including the difficult questions as there can be a LOT of them.
Your willingness in the sessions, and all that comes with therapy, will determine your progression in working towards the goals that you have set to achieve from having therapy.
2. You need to know therapy isn’t a cure
Something I always tell others contemplating therapy is to know that it’s not a cure. You won’t start therapy and they’ll wave a wand over you and abracadabra you’re cured.
It doesn’t work like that.
They will unpack your life and your thoughts, whilst gaining a better understanding of you as a person and your experiences. From this, they will be able to determine methods that will help you deal with the things you struggle with, the things that trigger you and overall your mindset.
Essentially it provides you with the tools and coping mechanisms you need to help you survive and get through your worst days. You’ll be better equipped when that grey cloud starts rolling in.
3. Your therapist NEEDS to be the right fit for YOU
A key part of therapy is having a therapist that really suits you, your needs and your personality.
Unfortunately, I do believe this is one of the main reasons therapy didn’t work for me. The therapist I was allocated via the NHS (for face to face sessions) just wasn’t a good fit.
She was a sweet, older lady who seemed to appear upset when I was honest about my life and my thoughts that were consuming me. When I unpacked my life she showed a lot of sympathy for the troubling events that occurred, but I didn’t want sympathy I just wanted coping mechanisms and advice.
It spiralled into me lying to her and telling her what I wanted her to hear, or what I thought she wanted me to say, which was actually the total opposite of what I was really feeling.
Reality is, I needed someone harsh, direct and to give me some tough love. To call me out on the BS, challenge me and push me to work harder to be more positive and help myself more.
4. You have to be be honest
Reflecting on the above, honesty is crucial. If you’re not honest you’re not just wasting the therapist’s time, but you’re wasting yours too.
You need to be open and totally transparent about how you feel – no matter how bad it sounds out loud!
5. The work needs to continue outside of your sessions
You can’t just leave your session and not think about it until your next one (even though I know they set you tasks ahead of your next session).
You must continually practice the tips and use the tools that you have learnt in daily life. In doing so, you get a better understanding of what works for you, what to do when you notice yourself spiralling and overall this will be a huge help for you moving forward.
If you want to see changes and improve your life, you’ll need to totally invest in yourself and do the work – you can’t just rely on someone else to hold your hand and spoon feed you.
Continuing the work outside of sessions is an absolute MUST! 5 years later and I still practice methods I learnt from my experience and they DO help me.
6. It may not work but it’s not a YOU problem
Like I’ve mentioned before, therapy didn’t work for me, but I accept now that it wasn’t my fault.
At the time I felt a failure. I thought I was beyond help or not worthy of it, but truth of the matter was I just hadn’t found the thing (or person) that could help me in the way that I needed.
We’re all different; there is no one size fits all. Methods that work for some won’t work for others and vice versa. It’s all dependent on your situation, personality and your mindset, but there WILL be something that works for you.
So if you notice that therapy isn’t working for you, please don’t blame yourself or feel you have no options. It could be just a tweak with the methods, the therapist you’ve been allocated, or you may need a different form of support.
But it’s nothing to do with YOU and it’s certainly not your fault!
Whilst therapy didn’t totally work for me, I did pick up some invaluable tips that I use to this very day. Like I said before, this post isn’t to bash therapy at all, it’s just to help give you a little insight into what to expect if you’re considering it.
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